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By Keith B (22nd Mar 2007)

In the deep dark night, you and your (hot) wife are running late. You chisel your car through the walls of rain, only to be distracted by your dumb-ass chick, and slam head on into a semi. Next thing you know you are stuck in some demon plagued world between Heaven and Hell trying not to drop the soap and get violated. 30 years on, and god, the larrikin that he is, decides that you have to stop the devil's little invasion shenanigans by smiting every demon, ghost and ghoul that crosses your path. After this your cushy seat in Heaven is waiting for you (including your stupid wife who got you wasted in the first place). Basically it's your typical "Save the World from the Devil" story line that FPS die-hards will be familiar with!

First and foremost Painkiller is a kill crazy rampage! Enemies come at you relentlessly and, when they finish, some eerie chanting begins and you head for the end of level gate. The story line reminds me of a cross between Max Payne and Doom, but unfortunately is not anywhere near as innovative. Don't get me wrong, it is a good quality shooter and there is an abundance of good points, but most have been done before.

The soundtrack is fan-bloody-tastic though. Each level starts with a quiet, suspense building piece which cracks into hard rock as soon as an enemy spawns. It isn't just crappy non-specific rock either. It is thrashing "I hate my parents and I am going to scull a bottle of vodka" head banging lunacy! It is perfect for the killing frenzy that comes hand in hand with the tunes.

Game play wise, Painkiller is a typical First Person Shooter. Enemies come at you, you shoot them, they die, you win. Happy Days! The enemies are quite diverse and well constructed. Their individual attacking characteristics will have you changing tactics and strafing around in circles endlessly. Sideways movement in particular is a little slow on occasions (especially when you are trying to kill a level boss), but other-wise navigating the levels is pretty easy. Jump needs to be timed right on occasions, as some gaps are pixel perfect. Enemies that you will face range from biker thugs with gattling guns, insane paralyzed zombies, Templar Knights (difficult SOB's to kill) to the end of level boss's (generals) who are MASSIVE! In particular the first general you will have to face is bigger that the original size of the cast of the Biggest Loser! Holy Butternut Pumpkin Batman, that's a big bitch! Enemies also have a tendency to gang up on you (those bastards) and try to surround you. Strangely enough they don't give you an option to talk yourself out of the situation, so hopefully, when this happens, you will have a fair bit of life and plenty of ammo for some of the more funky guns!

The arsenal is not too shabby. Each weapon has a duel function, primary and secondary fire. You start with the "Painkiller" which is a cool arm mounted spinning blade that chops up bad guys at close range like the Doom Chainsaw. It's secondary fire is launching the blade in a straight line (Scorpion style from Mortal Kombat) and then recalling it. The other combinations you get throughout the game are Stake-Gun (wooden stakes, not t-bones)/Grenade Launcher, Sub-machine gun/Flamer, Shotgun/Freezer, Rocket Launcher/Chain Gun, and Shurikan Launcher(really cool)/Electro Stream.

To keep with the ‘devil/occult' theme of the game, you can also collect dark tarot cards. These are basically cheats that you unlock for completing challenges in various levels and finding secrets. The only way you can use these dark tarot cards is to spend gold on them before you begin a level (they give you the option). Is a bit weird really, there isn't a shop or anyone who actually takes the money. You just seem to have it one second, and the next you don't! It must be a demonic version of Ebay/paypal.

The cut scenes between the major level changes are one for the books I must say! They come after every 5 levels or so. In the first one you are in a cemetery and a topless chick comes over and starts talking to you. Yep, a topless chick! Her hair is strategically covering her boobs, but if you look closely enough.....well, you get the picture! Apparently this chick is Eve (she does have a belly button though which is strange). She claims she is helping you out, but the only assistance I see is that she provides some eye candy and something for the spank bank! She is, unfortunately, wearing a towel so she must of died getting out of the shower?

The game graphics are pretty sweet, in particular the scenery. All the levels are differently themed and coupled with the pounding music and relentless killing, create an atmosphere that keeps you on edge throughout the game. Fog, shadows and reflections in water and windows add more to the realism. Having said that you are battling the minions of Satan! The loading scenes are something special too. In between the minor levels you warp through a cool red tunnel that gives me flash backs of N2O on the PS1. For those who have not had the pleasure of that game, you fly through tunnels killing bugs with psychedelic lights flashing at you constantly, all to a soundtrack by the Crystal Method. I imagine this game would have provided more seizures than any other in history!

The Scott's Final Word.
First Person Shooter fans will love this game as long as they don't compare it to any of the classics that have come before it. The total package is very good, but still lacks something for my liking. I found myself getting a little bored after 2-3 hour stints, but that is probably because my attention span is the size of a goldfish!