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Genre: First-Person Shooter Publisher: Bethesda Softworks Developer: Rebellion Players: 1-8

By Keith B (1st Dec 2009)

NOTE: This review contains lots of foul language. Most of it is in quotes from the game so we don’t mind that, but it poisoned our minds and we ended up doing it too.

This holiday season, things are progressing rather differently than in any year previous. The arrival of Modern Warfare 2 essentially cleared the run into Xmas of other releases, with publishers fearful of not getting enough dollars from the pockets of gamers that have probably all purchased Infinity Ward’s shooter. But rather than keep Rogue Warrior until January 2010, Bethesda obviously thought that even if everyone has MW2, there will be enough gift buying going on that surely having another new release on the shelf can’t hurt. If it manages to make any money, then my theory will be proven correct.

I can safely come to that conclusion because, based on one playthrough, there is absolutely nothing about Rogue Warrior that deserves any attention.

Dick Marcinko, voiced by Mickey Rourke, is someone real and I know this because his career is stamped across the final few pages of the booklet. He’s one tough cookie, having led SEAL teams and done such interesting things as infiltrating US bases to highlight security issues, and for fun I’m sure. I’m also sure that, in his day, he was able to dish out plenty of pain. Here, though, the pain he dishes out is mainly aimed at the player through some of the most inane in-game babbling ever heard.

We’ll get to the dialogue later, because that’s going to get its own paragraph complete with quotes that I dropped the controller to scribble down for fear I wouldn’t be able to convey just how awful it was. Before that we’re going to look at the game itself.

The basic idea is this: the Koreans have managed to get themselves a working missile defence shield and the Cold War is about to get a whole lot more interesting. But considering we're playing in the 1980s, the US doesn’t like anyone else having big toys that shoot down US missiles so they employ a three man team to go behind enemy lines to destroy the facility. Except it isn’t the Koreans, it’s the Russians, or else Korea has missiles hiding in Russia. It’s hard to work out, because Dick’s dialogue with his Admiral is so littered with rubbish. Oops, not time for the dialogue yet.



Eight levels lie in wait for the player, the vast majority of which are essentially the same thing – corridors peppered with larger rooms to have a firefight in. Dick can use any of the weapons he comes across in-game, all eight or so of them, to kill and maim his way through, using a kill mechanic with the A button to take out anyone close to him with a special move. He must blow up missiles and factories as he goes, culminating in a final scene where he, well, he blows up another factory, like he’s already done twice.

Having eight or so weapons is such a pathetic basis for action that I find it hard to comprehend. Assassin’s Creed 2 has 22 weapons and they were all handheld blades and hammers. I’m fairly certain that I could, simply from gaming experience, make a list of 20+ guns that could have been used.

The lack of hardware, in functionality terms, isn’t that big a deal because for the vast majority of the game our potty-mouthed hero can use his knife. Let me explain: Rebellion Games decided that although a special operative, we don’t actually need any sort of ability to jump, so instead the A button is mapped to a Killing Move. Creep up behind an enemy and one tap of A will see Dick repeatedly inserting his knife into an enemy (often repeatedly into the head, I should point out), meaning bullets are almost redundant. Throw in the fact that about 80 per cent of the enemies are facing away from you every time you enter a room and you can see how easy this can all be. And it is this which brings me to my next criticism: the play time.



I don’t need a game to clock in at 100 hours to feel good about it. Some of us at HellBored actively dislike games that stretch themselves out. In Rogue Warrior we have the complete opposite. Combine paltry numbers of enemies, small levels, and an absurdly easy approach and you can run through the entire thing in ... four hours. Now, in entertainment terms, I can go and see a three hour movie for about $15. Why anyone would spend $100 for an extra hour of rubbish is beyond me. I am absolutely serious when I say that some levels only have around 20 Korean or Russian soldiers to kill.

Multiplayer exists but I didn’t play it. I tried, but couldn’t find a game, so I couldn’t try any of the 10 game modes and I couldn’t see the feature that allows each team place things on the map before you start. I don’t think I’m missing a lot.

Much of this should have been foreseen right from the start. When the difficulty settings are covered with references to bitches and motherfuckers you know something isn’t right. When, in the opening cutscene, Dick tells us that his two colleagues on this trip have saved his life more times than he can count, we should have known things would turn out bad when they both die from a grenade after having a lingering final look into each other’s eyes. But as soon as Dick opened his mouth, we knew.



Every time Dick utters something (which is often – most times you throw a grenade, get injured, and so on) it seems like he’s in competition with himself to say ‘fuck’ as much as he can. Let me give you some of those quotes I diligently noted:

“Drop this motherfucker you fucking amateurs” – while shooting someone,

“Hold this for me you bitch” – every second time he throws a grenade,

“Rock and roll motherfuckers, rock and roll” - upon killing someone.

And then there’s the quote to beat all quotes, partly because it’s physiologically impossible, but also because it is so out of place in a video game that it’s just not funny (and this quote, like the others, is verbatim): “Suck my balls, my hairy big balls, wrap them around your mouth”.

There’s one final piece of scripted genius I have to repeat, because strangely it seemed to make a statement about the game, and the player too. When Dick says: “Looks like the douchebag convention is in town”, I instantly thought he was talking about himself, and had a quiet laugh. Then I figured he meant me, and didn’t laugh any more.

When the credits roll, and just when you think it’s safe to put down the controller and go scrub yourself with bleach in the shower, the final insult arrives. Dick sings, no, he raps, the closing song, using all the quotes from the game complete with innovative new ones like “kicking ass and taking names”.

Here’s a message for you Bethesda, and Rebellion, to quote your own hero:

“Fuck off”.

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