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By brikrok3 (21st Jul 2008)Big Beach Sports proves a slipshod adaptation of Wii Sports, adding little other than some sand to an already good game.

Why do winter-sport games sell best in winter, summer-sport games when the sun is shining? Certainly there is a logic behind this larding of self-same seasonal content—thus Christmas movies at Christmas because, baseball fans asides, few want to see an ancient fat man during the summer. But there’s also a redundancy, a sense that less is never more in the world of marketing. Hence the “Big” in Big Beach Sports; anything shy of such might be tasteful. Then again, though, that “big” is rather misleading, a promise never quite fulfilled by the game’s mere six sports. Sometimes good timing and savvy marketing obfuscate even the sloppiest productions.

As one might not expect, BBS is hardly a generous serving of beach sports. Moreover, the sports that do show up don’t necessarily require a beach, especially those sports you might never have heard of. Players are thus treated to a motley mélange: volleyball, football, American football, cricket (!) [I played cricket on the beach over Xmas last year - Ed], disc golf (?), and bocce (zzzzz). The first three are pretty straightforward, being cribbed from any number of other games but modified a la plage. The latter three, undoubtedly, will raise a few eyebrows: sure, Wii might be geared to an older crowd, but you’re as likely to convince nonno to play bocce indoors as to convince nonna to change her spaghetti bolognaise recipe. Moreover, BBS is a game geared towards the post-toddler set: simply put, this seemingly is a game for children. And as we all know, children love sports popular solely in post-colonial India, right?

Each game requires a different Wiimote control scheme. Volleyball, for instance, employs upward volleying and overhead smashing. Disc golf—more likely known by the term Frisbee in North America—is pretty good. The launch of the disc is controlled by the Wiimote: the D-pad will determine the trajectory while the strength of your swinging motion will determine the ‘bee’s distance. The control scheme here works surprisingly well. Such cannot be said for football and American football, be it as it may that both sports are made super easy. Player movement is dictated by the console, so you need only kick, shoot, and pass using simple hand gestures. Bocce is likewise very straightforward. For the most part, a gentle flick of the wrist is all that is required of you. More seasoned players might opt for a histrionic and yet crowd-pleasing sprezzatura. Batting and bowling are likewise very straightforward, and for the most part effective, in cricket. Thankfully rounds are foreshortened, you not being required to give up several days of your week to complete a single match.

Each game thus thoughtfully mimics its real-life correspondent. This is done well for the most part, though hardly is it a triumph considering how facile everything else in the game really is. The volleyball leaves much to be desired, if not in its control scheme than in its rather offhand approach to what should have been a tremendously enjoyable sport.

Gameplay is decent for the most part. Surprisingly, the game’s finest play relates to bocce and cricket, two sports guaranteed to sell poorly in the crushingly one track-minded if ineffably vast American market. Both sports offer the precious nuance only fleetingly present in the title’s four other sports. But then again, bocce seems largely cribbed from Wii Sports, a title we all have seemingly free access to—and a title well worth its purchase had we actually to pay for it.

Thankfully the games allow for up to four players. This helps, though hardly corrects the title’s overwhelming deficiencies. As per usual, onscreen space is at a premium, and there seems, admittedly, little way to correct this. Online access likewise helps the game, enabling character customization. But these are hardly substantive, or even original contributions; more than anything, both are seemingly fail-safe add-ons any half-witted designer can incorporate in 2008.

The game’s appearance is likewise lacking in personality. For the most part everything is very tidy. The characters are lumpy-bodied, smiling epsilon semi-morons; the background is populated by dopey-faced fans and, you guessed it, digitally lush tropical scenes. But the game is also tremendously dull looking. Hardly will children—those monsters for stimulation—find the game’s aesthetic enthusiasm-inducing, nor will viewers revel in its digital fireworks. The whole thing is rather blasé.

The game’s audioscape is likewise on the mediocre side, employing the kind of let’s-stay-happy music used solely to blot out the lurking reality that what you’re at present doing isn’t really making you happy. It sort of like listening to a Morrissey song—the up-tempo rhythm, the dulcetly voiced misery—excepting of course that the music here is awful.

Unfortunately, the “Big” in Big Beach Sports is something of a misnomer. Six sports hardly qualifies for such a sobriquet, especially when half the sports are threadbare familiar, and the other three will gather digital dust faster than a sun-tanning game in winter. There are some gems here, but hardly do they find a crown; the game is simply too slapdash, too dull to warrant long-term playability. With that in mind, it’s hard to recommend BBS as even a rental. There’s hardly any reason to go out of your way to pick up from your local store a game that seems merely a shoddy adaptation of Wii Sports, an overall tremendously good package that should have come free with the purchase of your console. Even to pick up the game when it hits the sale bin at your local store might prove to be folly. That being said, it might be worthwhile to keep the game’s bocce function kicking if only after pigs fly, hell freezes over, and nonno decides to pass on the real thing one Sunday.